Holy cow i suck at life

I only read my most recent post, which was in August and that's all i need to read to know how badly i sucked at that time of the year.

I'm so happy though, maybe because the Holiday season is going on?
The other day was thanksgiving and i went to Doug's brother's place with them, it was an okay time, minus the part where i wanted to throw up (mostly due to downing a lot of water in a short amount of time)

I feel good about some things going on in my life currently. A bit annoyed with some people, though. I don't want to get too in detail, even though only like one of them might read this..that's a huge might to, that all depends on if i decide to tell people i wrote something on here or not. haha.

My job is alright. I just..it's boring. I think way too much while working, and can't concentrate on my work sometimes, and barely get anything done when I do that. Whoopsies.

There are tons of movies I will eventually need to buy. I'd make a list, but I don't feel like it. hahha.

I really can't wait until Christmas, and normally i can't wait for it to be over with! I think that's mostly because I realllly want to see my mom and Doug play beer pong! OMg that's going to be so much fun. I hope we go up to G'ma Pam's too, because i wanna see Lazuli, the cutest baby boy ever. I miss the mess out of him and his sisters (mostly him, because his sisters don't like me...)

People confuse me, a huge amount...I don't want to get too into that either..just in case.

I can't wait for my 21st bday, and my mom's wedding... I can't wait to hear back from WSC..i'm freeeeezing cold right now and my ankle is going numb. I'm sorta tired for realsie. and tomorrow is only freaking Saturday!! omfg.

I'm done.

1. Whoa, this place changed around some since my last visit, however long ago that was!
2. I'm not going to delete my over dramatic pleas of what-the-fuck-ever I was over dramatically crying about.
3. I'm done. I'm done trying, I'm done sticking up for your actions, I'm done saying nice things about you when everyone else tells me otherwise, I'm done letting your opinion of me get to me, I'm done caring about you, I'm done done done. Even if you ever talk to me again I will not trust you enough to open up. I'm done blaming myself.

Meh.

Um...say what?

So I learned recently that my uncle is moving in here! Ugh...as if we don't have enough people living here, there is going to be another. And he's such a SLOB, too. I hate how my mom goes "you're old enough to be on your own" then a week later tells me my UNCLE who's in his late 20's is moving in!! Hmmm...this should be interesting.

I went to the park.

Sight- bikes, grass, children, basketball courts, a slide, green park benches, trees, garbage cans, baseball diamond, fence, a man(a dad), boys, girls, wood chips, young teens, a stop sign, a camera, cigarette, wrapers, bleachers, the moon, clouds, parking lot, baseball gloves, a ball, cars, houses, doors, the sun, swings, running, a small dog, street lights (off), dirt, trucks, red shirt, black hoodie.

Hear- Church bells, children, the squeak of a swing, talking, kids going "woo," children yelling, motor cycles, crying, barking, a ball hitting a metal bat, police sirens, laughing, "Crystal try to get me!" "I'm going to steal your boat (or gold?)!" plastic bag, feet hitting the pavement, birds.

Smell- cook out, air, wood, (at home-pop corn, warmth)

Feel- Hardness, wind, stiff, itchyness, wet, cold, metal, soft, tingle of my foot waking up, pain, paper, (at home- warm)

Taste- air, metal(from my pen)


There is a reason for this....

I'm done being happy for people.

For serious. I don't know how many people I've told "i'm so happy for you!" and meant every single one...when something good happened in their life...and not a single one of the people I was so happy for since the new year has said anything remotely close to me.

What's the point of caring for people when nobody cares about me?
Why do I listen to people's problems, yet feel sooooo guilty making them listen to mine?
peh...

Your problems aren't more "problemful" then mine...not saying mine are more "problemful" then anyone else...but meh... whatever really.
Actually, sometimes, my problems are more problemfull and stressful, but I don't bitch to everyone and anyone who will listen to them... I just write them down some place, or vent to a (as in ONE) friend who I know won't mind listening to me, because I listen to him....It's weird..I have only met him once, and talked to him online for a year before I met him...

ON a better note, Donald found his Three Days Grace CD...yay! (I'm listening to it for the second time in a row right now)

Oh, also on a better note, in case you didn't know by now.. I got a job, again.. working at copying medical records...making good money..which i hope to be able to save up fast. ...but I don't know for what right now.. first clothes I guess.. to "Adult" up my clothing...

i don't know, you don't know.

to all people who've called me a friend:
i suck
my life is fucked up
and i'm a bad bad bad bad bad friend (i'm sorry for that)



and to one person who will never read this:
oh, and you'll never understand, because I don't feel comfortable telling you what happened even though I know if I did, you'd understand me a lot better. Just a favor don't call me "over dramatic" because you only know part of the fucking story...you only know the "why i hate my mom's first husband" part of my fucked up life...so if you're actually reading this...and you think "over dramatic" ...fuck you. you don't know what my childhood was like. you don't know what happened to me.

blah

I neeeeeeeeed time home alone! I am tired of my family, i've been spending so much time with them it's soo weird. I've been babysitting bryce everyday since he's down here, and Donald's got baseball...
it's been like a zillion degrees out and so i can't sleep even more then i normally can't sleep because it's too hot in my room
i have had some strange dreams...but I haven't been writing them down because I haven't been feeling like it.
the little restaurant place by my house that used to be Dairy Queen but now isn't is open, i want to eat there some time soon... I suggested to a friend of mine that her and I should meet up there for lunch since we both live sooo close to it..and to each other, but never really hang out.
I have been hxc reading this book about how men and women speak different languages..it's actually pretty interesting of a read..
some things in life make a lot more sense now, i think...
my hands are cold because i'm sitting right in front of the AC
and i have musical ADD on myspace, but that's really easy because i've been looking up a lot of random bands on myspace.com :) i like finding new music...

I guess I'm bipolar-ish

Cuz today I feel very fantastical.

and that's the truth!!!!!

Why all at once?

Why does so much go wrong in people's lives at one time? Why why why?

I don't feel like I used to feel not too long ago. And as each day goes on...I feel worse. I hate this feeling, I haven't felt this way in over a year...and now? The saddest part is my family is fucking stupid and family should be able to tell something is wrong since they see me all the time..right?
I don't know how many times I told my brother I was going to punch/choke/whatever him today..He's just getting on my fucking nerves every five minutes being an annoying fucker. I took THREE walks today because I couldn't stand being home with him!! And all my walks were longer then normal....
I'm so tired right now because I haven't been able to sleep... I'm always hungry because I barely eat... Why can't I push this under the rug and forget about it?? Why is this so hard to ignore? I've done it before...I've had other people stop talking to me..and I was able to just shurg it away! Why is this different? I dunno.. meh. I guess I am just a bad person and this is Karma's way of getting back at me...
On top of that, my brother's dad sent me another letter...I hate when he sends me letters...I always get all upset (even if I don't read the letter) because I don't want that prick in my life!! He's not my dad, he needs to STOP...for serious. I told my mom to tell him...arg.
Also, trying to find another job...way stressful.. I have like no money..well that's a lie, i have money but I'm saving it up so I have no spending money really...
I really neeeeeeeed to leave Wisconsin...Neeeeeed to get away from everyone...Neeed out need out need fucking out. That's too fucking bad though because I don't have the money to do that! Lame... I feel lame.

I spilled chocolate icecream on me..

:(

Also I have a bunch of mosquito bites, and ate 2 cupcakes even though I don't even like cupcakes.

Sarah said it, and she's right...Boys ruin everything.
You know why that is?? It's because they don't know how to communicate their thoughts. And when they're confused, instead of asking a question, they just assume something, which most of the time is the wrong something. And then they get all mad over something they're thinking which is the wrong something...and instead of trying to clear things up..they just stay.
I mean, hello...If you care enough to get mad or upset at me over something I did, or said, or whatever..and care enough to flat out show this anger...why not let me know what's going on, considering I care enough to ask you why...don't you think it's fair I know what's going on??
Even if you never want to talk to me again...I still deserve to know what I did wrong and deserve to learn SOMETHING from this..What point is making mistakes if you don't learn a lesson from them because nobody tells you what you did wrong? How am I supposed to prevent myself from making the same mistake? the same error in judgement?
I don't know.

I'm an "only" child this week.

It kinda sucks. I have to do EVERYTHING and I can't do some of the things I can do when there's other kids here because there's nobody to blame it on. (Like, my mom has this really good cereal that has little itty bitty granola bars in it, and I want to eat it, but my mom would automatically know it was me since i'm the only person here besides her and Doug.)

But heeeeeeeey, I don't have to babysit because everyone else is at their other parents' houses for a while!!! *loooves it!* I'd rather not have to babysit, then have someone to blame things on, really! And doing extra "chores" around the house isn't bad really either... seeing as how I do a lot anyway. I really can't complain. W/o kids here to make everything a mess, i have less to clean up. So yeah. It's actually really nice being an only child this week. better enjoy it while it lasts!!!

I try

And then I fail.
Or at least it feels like fail...right now.

I do give me credit for trying though. Yay me!

Time for bed. Hopefully I don't wake up at 6 again...I woke up at 6 today thinking it was way late, and thinking I slept through everyone else getting ready for school/work.

meh.

I just need to say....

I knew it was going to end this way before it even started....and I barely knew/know them.

Also, I find it silly that people show their feelings super a lot over facebook statuses...though that's what made me go "omg they broke up?!?" and look at someone's page, to confirm this question.
I sadly think I was more shocked when I found out they were going out...am I horrible for that?

Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, Life goes on.

Seriously...seriously?

Ahhh! I am the only one who cleans up my messes in shared parts of the house. My room may not be the cleanest at some times, but that's my room, and nobody else really goes in there. When I shower, I pick my clothes up off the bathroom floor. If I trim my hair, I clean it out of the bathroom sink. If I spill something in the kitchen I clean it up. Twice I stepped in cereal going to the back door in less then two weeks...maybe less then one. I just went to the bathroom to find facial hair in the sink. There are always clothes on the bathroom floor, and when Donald, Bryce, Nathan, and Ryan shower they all always leave their towels on the floor also.
I ugh, I don't really have friends over because my family is sloppy, and I think my house smells weird. I don't want to have friends over and have them have to go to the bathroom and go and see my mom's underwear or bras just sitting willy nilly on the floor and shit. Or see Ryan's pooped up underwear on the basement floor by the washer...uh ew. Since we got our dog, and he's not house broken quite yet, we have a mop bucket and my living room smells like dog piss. Sometimes our kitchen smells weird because nobody takes care of left over food, unless I do..Fish is the worse.
I'm so tired of this, and when I tell my mom about it, she goes "are you going to clean it up?" uhhh omg? what? I clean up what I'm willing to clean up..NO I 'm not going to pick other people's clothes off the bathroom floor, no I'm not going to clean Ryan's poop underwear..No I'm not going to clean up other people's messes!!! If you spill cereal how hard is it to clean it up seriously?? If you shave your face how hard is it to clean most of the hair out of the sink?
How hard is it to take the garbage out when it's full? Why am I the only one who does this kind of stuff?? Well, without being told, and when I'm told, without crying about it. Ack....

Moms rock.

I've been taking care of my puppy, with potty training it and stuff...and taking him out at night when he needs to go out since everyone's sleeping, and since my room is near where he's been sleeping and all. I'm exhausted! It makes me not want a baby...even more then I don't want one right now, because I bet that's like way way way way more work. I need a nap, but it's too late. And at night when Diablo doesn't have to go out (because we just came in) he cries and that keeps me awake too.

I finally saw JUNO and really liked it... I woke up today wanting to watch it again, and I just saw it last night, lol.

Oh dude, but anyway, moms rock because...being a mom is a full time job. and some other junk i was going to say, but I don't actually remember what.

Done and Done

I was bored, so I moved some of the less personal things from my other blog to this one. I originally signed up here as a place to post things I maybe don't want everyone I know to read, but maybe if a stranger fell upon it, then it wouldn't matter. But now that more of my friends are setting themselves up with these, I wanted to change things around. Not because of them reading it...but more, some of the people who might read theirs and be curious about mine if they see a comment from me.. I don't need extra people thinking I'm crazy :P Especially if I might have a run-in with them at some point..(or some jazz like that.) Ha!

I'm in the process of change.

And because of that, since I barely even wrote here...and still barely really write here...I like LJ, I'm starting over on here.
I'll probably never come back here (blogspot) to post very much, I just mostly like reading other people's things. :) If I do come back to write, it is going to be my stories, and only I can see those anyway....It's kind of nice to be able to organize my thoughts here in a few different blogs. I'll move some things from my other blogs to this one though because they're not really personal things. It's just a matter of "when do I feel like doing this?" hah.

I never.....

Went to summer camp.
Wanted to be like every other girl.
Smoked a cigarette.
Been drunk.
Told anyone, everything.
Felt completely comfortable in my own self.
Been on a car ride longer then 6 hours.
Had sex.
Really dyed my hair.
Got high.
Talked on a phone for more then an hour.
Wore a short skirt/dress in public. (short meaning shorter then my knees)
Had a pet bird.
Lost a pet to death.
Feel pretty ENOUGH.
Wear makeup.
Will let my mom cut my hair again.
Yelled at a friend.
Knew what it felt like to be really happy until recently.
Felt real love. (the kind not given to friends/family)
Believed in 'god.'
Share my feelings.
Let people know what I am really thinking.
Knew anyone remotely close to being a "father" to me.
Had an older brother.
Made a prank call. (though I've been around when many were made.)
Shoplifted.
Walked into a wall. (ha, don't ask...)
Plan on paying more then 15 dollars for a hair cut.
Donated hair to locks of love. (but plan on it as soon as spring rolls around)
Made a list of things I never done.