Dear Wisconsin,

I'm glad I don't live in Wisconsin because then I'd be trying to live on my own in an apartment with a roommate I'll eventually not be able to stand, making money that won't last very long because of bills and stuff.

Reading the blogs of my friends I fell lucky I don't currently have to worry about that kind of living. It seems super stressful.

Instead I decided I'm better than living in West Allis for the rest of my life. I'm having a great time in Colorado. I can't wait to get back to school for spring semester. For the most part my suite-mates don't bother/annoy me. We all get along pretty well, and if I'm not an RA for '10-'11 and can somehow afford to go back for that same school year me and Kirsten have decided we get along well enough to do the "on-campus apartment" thing together. It would be super! And then I can do summer classes because I'll have a place to live and doing so would just be way easier than coming home that summer. ;)

It's not that I HATE you Wisconsin, I just think I deserve greatness, and Wisconsin would have held me back from that greatness. Plus, Colorado is just an awesome place, and it's so beautiful there!

Love,

Amanda

The Red Pill, Why Did I Take The Red Pill?

The intro class to my major is like taking the Red Pill in the matrix. I can't really turn back now and pretend I haven't learned anything. Now like Neo, and everyone else who is no longer attached to the Matrix, I am no longer part of the Matrix either. In one sense, I really can't wait to see what else I learn about people, culture, the environment, Earth, and all this stuff.. but I feel like it's just going to make me feel not good... :-/

I just know so many people who don't really care about their impact on the planet, and it makes me sad.

Oh well I have a sleep headache so I'm going to go offline, eat something, then get ready for/go to bed...

Did you know? Sex Edition.

Little known 'Did you know' Sex facts

Did you know?..."Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

Did you know?...According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.

Did you know?...In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful, virgins were restricted from contact with them.

Did you know?...Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.

Did you know?...The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.

Did you know?...14% of Americans have skinny-dipped with a member of the opposite sex at least once.

Did you know?...According to a U.S. market research firm, the most popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.

Did you know?..."Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.

Did you know?...Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.

Did you know?...Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

Did you know?...A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

Did you know?...· In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present research, however, shows no connection.

Did you know?...The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female.

Did you know?...A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.

Did you know?...The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.

Did you know?...The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Did you know?...Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.

Did you know?...Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Did you know?...For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages. And heres my porn page.

Did you know?...The word "fuck" is actually an acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely underpopulated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague, and the King issued an official order to... well, fuck, to replenish the population. Hence the phrase "Fornicate Under Command of the King" passed into everyday language.

Did you know?...A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew and it is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky...unless of course, you played 'pig-tipping'.

Did you know?...Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds. Females, on the other hand think about sex every....mmmm... where was I?

Did you know?...The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old.

Did you know?...A medical study conducted in Pennsylvania showed that people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.

Did you know?...A U.S. News and World Report poll found 50 percent agree that it is better to remain a virgin until you marry, and 39 percent felt it's better to have sex with a few different partners before settling down to marry.

Did you know?... During the 1920s, it was believed that jazz music caused one to permanately lose his sexual inhibitions. It was often banned in many cities. One private company went as far as to sell the elites "jazz proof" furniture.

Did you know?...All Humans Are 99.9% Genetically Identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee.

Did you know?..."Venus observa" is the technical term for the "missionary position."

Did you know?... Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

Did you know?...Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

Did you know?...Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up(if you use a condom). It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

Did you know?...Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

Did you know?...The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

Did you know?...Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

Did you know?... Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

Did you know?...Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

Did you know?...A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever

smoking or nonsmoking?

What are your feelings towards smoking? What rights do you think smokers and non-smokers should have?

I got these questions off "writer's block" on LiveJournal. I didn't want to write about there, but I will try writing about it here.

My feelings toward smoking are I hate it, it's kind of gross, and I never have nor will I ever smoke! Also, take note that I'm answering this question based off of cigarettes, not weed... maybe some other time I'll discuss my feelings on weed.

But anyway back to the topic. I feel like if a smoker wants to slowly kill themselves with all the bad things in cigarettes that's is fine for them, but they should do it in their own time, and not around non-smokers. As a non-smoker i can't stand the smell or how I feel when I'm around smokers puffing at their cigs. Even when I'm walking to class behind a smoker it makes me feel unhealthy! I guess being outside is better than trapping the smoke inside, but I just guess people should be more aware, and more considerate of non-smokers.

I have known people to have lung cancer and it's hard to think about because that's something that could have been prevented.

I feel like non-smokers have the right be be in healthy environment without smoking going on. We choose not to smoke because of the health risks but being in an environment such as a bar with a bunch of smokers is just as bad as smoking personally. Also, children are always smoked around but that's really bad for the children. Since they're children they either don't know what's going on is bad for them or don't have much of a say because adults have more power over the children.

The End.

I really should be sleeping. Excited to go home though! (I think that's what's keeping me awake).

If you want to know my opinion about something post a comment and next time I'll talk about it.

Peace.

I need material or a more exciting life.

I need to attract more people to this blog so I can make money off of it! I have only made one cent the entire time I've been using blogger and google adsense...

It's almost winter break though! I'm glad about that because I would like to see some people I haven't seen in a long time. I am so ready for winter break! And a new semester!!

If you would like to hear my opinions about something, comment this blog and I'll write about it next time!

Sometimes I wonder Why I have friends

Then people on my facebook start agreeing with whatever mean thing I have said... and go "Oh... a lot of people I know are thinking like I am!! That's how I have friends!"

Woooow....

Like, even people who don't normally comment my statuses will say stuff when I say something that's not all that nice... weird?!

I just don't feel like doing homework at this moment so I'm procrastinating. Next I'm going to shower or something... yah... :) After this song! I haven't listened to Michael Buble's beautiful voice in a lonnng time ;)

I need to download some Josh Groban when I finally can dl music for free again.. dumb school.

I have a final schedule now that i took the dumb reading test so i don't have to take the dumb person's english/writing class.

MWF I have:

9-950 a politics/government class

10-1050 a geology class

11-1150 an envi. science class

time for lunch

1-150 an english class

Tuesday I have:

11-12.15 a psychology class

2-4.50 geology lab

Thursday I have:

11-1215 a psychology class

one class on thursdays. 

i'm going to do what my advisor advised us to do. study 3 hours everyday.  or at least i'll try. 

for my envi. science class i have an actual novel to read, and i'm trying to refrain from being a huge nerd and reading it right now before class even starts. haha. it's hard. i just hope it's interesting... 

that is all about school at this time. boring i know. but it's kinda exciting for me, especially only having one class on thursdays.

winter break will be here in NO time... :-/

I'm making my way around to all blogs, tonight.

Yet, I'm not managing to address the pressing issue. My confused feelings. Suddenly, instead of sleeping, I decide to think. Horrible idea, really. For the off chance someone important to how I'm feeling might find this, I must refrain from entering too much information. I can't even do one of those "use peoples' nicknames" type deals, because people would know who they are from context, or because I have informed them of their nickname. 

With that said... "I wish I had a good girl, I would call her."

The CraigsList Adventure-I was bored....

So I was looking at my "drafts" and this is what I found.. hahaha wooow.. ------------------------------------------------------- So I was browsing Craigslist, pointing out everything people are doing wrong, normally I keep it to myself, but since you seem cool, I'd like to help you out a little, if your CL ad didn't work out.... "I swore to myself I'd never try this.(So why did you??) But at the same time, the bar scene is getting really old to try to pick up dates. So what the hell. (Oh, That's why... Well why not try some place else??) I'm a 25 year old man looking for someone to really connect with. (Hmmm...You can connect with women at a bar?? Apparently not...since that didn't work too well for you.) I'm a soldier in the WI National Guard, and besides that I work in a coffee shop serving sweet, delicious beverages to my customers.(What, what?? You work in a COFFEE SHOP, and haven't picked up any women??) I love to get outdoors as much as I love a quiet night on the couch, watching a movie. I consider myself pretty intellectual, so if you can't hold a good conversation, don't even bother. Music is my very soul, and my preference is alternative rock. I'm physically fit, and would prefer any woman I'm with to have that as a priority as well. I hate overdramatic, materialistic, alcoholic party girls.(So you tried to find women in the bar scene? I'm confused...) I love artsy, brainy, unique ladies. (Sounds like you like the kind of women who hang out in COFFEE SHOPS! Not Bars... Hey interesting, you work in a coffee shop, right?) I don't care if people call you a nerd or shun you otherwise, I'll dig you anyway. I'm really not in a position in life to deal with children in a relationship. I've already attempted that recently, and it's a no-go. Thats about as much as I'm willing to divulge on here. If I've caught your attention, send me a message. Send pictures, please. And no spam. I'm smart enough to tell the difference.(But not smart enough to change where you look for women?!?)" Now, if this ad is the truth, and you are looking for the funky arty nerd woman... what I had pointed out may actually help... Good luck, guy! :) :) OH And...I wasn't TRYING to be a bitch or anything, but I can understand if it comes off that way... Sorry.

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Holy shit. You totally owned me with razor-sharp wit and a definitive knack for pointing out my listings multiple flaws and ironies. Well done, and kudos to you. I don't know if I should have received your response with the kind of light-heartedness that I did, but you got a few good chuckles out of me, thats for sure. Maybe next time I post I'll do some heavy editing and revisions, but at the same time no one else has pointed any of this out. So either everyone else on CL is an utter ignoramus, or you have a gift. Perhaps both are the case. Maybe I also should write in my listing that, despite being reasonably attractive (at least, I'd like to think so), I also clam up like a prepubescent boy when trying to talk to women I have interest in. Which totally nullifies the possibilities that may come my way at my work, and at bars. Perhaps I'll be sure to mention all of that next time. Either way, well done, Amanda. Maybe I'll hear from you again. If not, take care.

Oh, and you are the first person I've ever replied to from CL, so pat yourself on the back or something.

-Brian

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Oh, no... My email was just to point out what I really didn't understand about your listing. I was a touch baffled on how someone reasonably attractive could have a hard time picking up women in a coffee shop. Unless--Is it a chain? Yes, the kind of women you dig still might frequent chains, but more times frequent personality owned coffee shops... If you actually dig coffee, arty stuff, and relaxation (or any combo) ..but work in a chain restaurant, maybe spend a free evening in a local, personality owned shop? Especially if there's something going on, entertainment-wise.

(Side Note: since I looked him up on facebook, I know he works at a chain coffee place...)

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Dear Blogger,

It seems as though I've been neglecting you. I am not sorry, as there's not much to say here about things I can talk about to the world. LiveJournal has been pretty much my best friend. It's not that I don't love you, it is just that LJ is better at keeping my secrets. ;)

Love, 

A-Skaj

Well.... Since this thought is mostly random.

I think I feel better when  a guy who likes me has liked a pretty women before me, that way I know he's into pretty chicks-making me feel better, and more attractive in his eyes. 

Also, I kind of like when a guy clearly CLEARLY likes me...then ends up with a lesser attractive woman instead of taking a chance trying to date me. I feel this way because I feel he didn't try anything with me, or tell me or anything because I'm just soooo stunning in his eyes, he thinks a woman like me wouldn't be interested in a guy like him. Even though- at the same time it makes me a little sad because he pin-pointed me as a shallow woman. 

I like guys-personality is normally what wins me over, so guys should chance me if they feel like it. You know.. talk to me, be my friend, come up with cool things for us to do, include me in things he does with his other friends. Stuff like that. Give me time to warm up, or whatever. Yeah!

Oh what a mess of a blog entry... g'night. 

http://amandaskaja.tumblr.com/

Seth Rogen? Really?!?

Normally I don't talk about my crushes, whether they are on celebrities or people I really know.

BUUUT

Seth Rogen is an exception. 

1. He's not as attractive as the rest of mine. He's a normal-looker.  Actually, I find him really attractive for this. He's kind of chubby but I looooove it. I especially like when he's sporting short hair, and glasses (Like he does so far in the show he did "Undeclared" after his "Freaks and Geeks" stage) Point is, he's what NORMAL guys look like. He's not all especially pretty. (all that matters is I know what I mean, bonus points to me if others understand what I'm getting at.)

2. He plays such awesome characters. Okay. Seth and I pretty much hit it off when he was in "Knocked Up" then I've seen him more and more. Recently I watched him in "Freaks and Geeks" and that is about when I fell in love. Like the supportive person I am, I am giving "Undeclared" a watch, and once again I'm loving his character, but the show is a little not very great.  I'm a sucker for supporting people I like.  

3. He's from Canada. There just has to be some "win" points here. 

4. He's not a vampire. He is a real man.  That means he is really obtainable. 

4.5. He doesn't make other men look like fugly douches. 

It's quite unfortunate that my biggest crush is on a guy I'll never meet.  :-/ 

I don't have crushes like this, often.  I don't have the time for real guys who I really know. Or a stable enough heart (or wherever emotions come from) And trust issues. Yes Real guys who I really know = a whole other blog...

p.s. never mind the fact that i totally didn't put much thought into this. you can almost never mind the entire entry b/c i lost my train of thought from multi tasking too much...

Things that are fun to do with 2 or more people.

Mini Putt golfing.

Board Games.

Making Dinner.

Amusement Parks.

Dancing.

Video Games. 

((I'll have to add to this as I think of more...I forgot all the things I thought up during work today.))

i was on myspace

I was on myspace, keeping myself awake for a while so I am not going to bed so early. and there was a question, pretty typical actually..

"Do you regret anything?"

Well that got me thinking a little bit. What's the point of "regretting" what you can't change? I mean, why even think about something you can't change. It's done, and over with.... 

I can't go back in time and be a different person. I can't be an "un-bitch" (haha) to people. the only thing I think I can do now is to be more nice to the people I happen to come across in the future. I can let go of the passed and reshape myself for the future. (if i can figure out how) But I cannot go back in time (nor would I really want to). 

Along the same lines, it's dumb to always think "What if this happened this way instead of that way?"  who cares. I can't change it. I can't go back in time and make sure my mom never ends up with *him*. I can't go back in time and stop my mom from moving us to Milwaukee. I can't go back in time to seventh grade and change some things there. I can't change things from high school I can't change things between high school and now. And quite frankly, for the most part, I like how things have turned out in the long run. 

I'm not saying everything second for second was good. And I'm not saying right now in my life is  going just peachy, but in the long run thing have been working out. It's just waiting for the next section of "the long run" to be completed.  But that's just life...I guess. 

You can't really think too much about how little things will make your "long run" turn out, either. You'll end up wasting time. Talking about this all is sort of wasting time. But at this time it's kind of what I'm trying to do. I don't want to go to bed yet, so I'm wasting time until it's late enough where I won't wake up at 2 in the morning.

You should sign up for last.fm and add me... 

http://www.last.fm/user/AmandaSkaja

I way way like the song I am currently listening to. Affirmation by Savage Garden. It's good.

Well, actually I'm listening to my iTunes library in alphabetical order by song name, but that's the current song. 

I mad one cent off having ads on my blog. hahaha. (All that music talk was just me trying to figure out what else it was I had to mention.)

Finally. I had the blog for a long while now. And now blogger is getting popular, I guess, so people are actually reading my blog. At least Sarah. hah. 

Well, I dunno. I should be going to bed. I get a lot more done at my job when I have had a good night of rest...

photos

so, i had a birthday... above are the flowers I got from my mom and doug. below is the giant cookie i got.
one day i went to the park because it was nice out. these birds seriously followed me home, as well as around the park. bad luck??
The giant spider friend i made in my bathroom. it freaked me out, and spiders don't normally do that... 
The voodoo guy from Beetlejuice shrunk my head. it's so sad... but i guess that's what I get for trying to swap numbers... WAHT??? he was number 3...
Glasses can be sexy. Reading is sexy. I can read. I wear glasses. I'm sexy. Rawr. :)
I do it for my fans. Duh... 
Another picture of the spider...laaaaaah
I just wanted to share some random, recent photographs from my current life. :)

Batman makes me look fat. 

The spider freaked me out so much, but i was still intrigued by it.  

But, i also almost passed out when I made my attempt to catch it.

My step sister had to do it for me. 

Then I was finally able to shower hahahaha. 

I'm pretty sure this weekend went way too fast for how bored I was. :-/

Things that will make my bday sad:

Snow

Getting 15 cents worth of crap talk from my brothers' dad in the birthday card my brother, Colin, is sending me. 

The second one makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I hate him, but he doesn't seem to understand I've ignored his attempts to get in my life for a reason. I know I can't stop my brothers from letting him back in their lives. I know I can't stop my mom from talking to him. I don't understand WHY she does though, he hurt her the most. 

I think, sometimes when I cry, I cry for her, mostly. :`(  

I also cry because I don't want my brothers turning out like him. :-(

I wish my mom never met him, as much as I love my family on my brothers' side, and my brothers... sometimes, it just gets too painful to be reminded of what he did and who he is. 

list of randomness.

haha. I love how someone I met a few years ago was trying to get my phone number, but I wouldn't give it to him...but someone I met for the first time Saturday night has my phone number. 

I love listening to the Killers. 

I love how my school in in Colorado. 

I love how much sense a certain friend of mine makes sometimes. (I hate it, sometimes.)

I love how people have questioned my trust in above mentioned friend's opinions/advise. 

I love how the above mention friend is the only one who really has ever given me any actual GOOD advise. 

I think my cat has a bladder infection or something.

I am happy tomorrow is Thursday. 

I love boys. :) :)

I also hate boys. >:[

I'm going to kidnap Brandon Flowers and keep him in my room. He'll sing to me, for food. 

:D

I had a 20$ bill but don't know where it went. :(

I need to charge my phone tonight.

 

I want to go to bed.

I need stuff to do during the weekend.

I need to pee, right now. 

I want a Nintendo DS, but mostly I just want to play pokemon right now. LOL.

By that last one, I mean Silver or Gold (or the other one with the same map, but i don't remember the color)

This is enough. 

I still love listening to The Killers. 

From now on I'm going to ask myself... "What the fuck does Amanda want right NOW? What will make her happy right NOW?" and make choices off of however I answer that question.

This could end up ending in disaster. But I'll be happy, and that's what really matters, right?

Also, wearing sunglasses makes me feel cooler. Even though my sunglasses are from the 90's.

note to self:

Next time a guy asks me if I'm single, say "no," even when it's not true. Oi. Last night was cool though.

And And And... I met Erik! Which I wasn't expecting, so when I saw him, I was a touch confused and yelled his name. LMAO. I've never done that before...and he was all "wtf? do i know you?" It was priceless. :D I'm just a little sad, I forgot my camera, so I don't have a picture with him. :(

LOL! This has been a draft for a long long LONG time. This is from St. Patrick's Day a couple years ago!! I am now NOT single, and I've met Erik a second time. Haha!

this is my cousin, lazuli. He is the cutest baby i've ever seen... I don't like children, but I would steal him for a while, if I could. He's almost two.

I hope, if I accidently have a child, it's a boy, and I hope it's as good looking, if not more, than him. 

Music

Music makes me really happy. 

I just wish I had more I could dance to. If you read this, and there's an artist, or song, you really like to dance to, tell me. 

Please, and Thank you.

I like music of all walks of life.  So I guess, if you like something I might not have heard about, tell me that, too. 

just kidding. i figure out this "follow" thing... I never scrolled down passed the part where it tells me how to do it.

Sometimes, I am dumb.

crazy

If you like weird movies, then I recommend "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" 

It's a romance story, but it's totally awesome. Just so you know. I was confused at first, but caught on really fast to what was going on. 

Also, I can't seem to figure me out.. Like, some people think I'm so nice, and when they tell me this I just cannot help but mock them, and think to myself  "God, people are dumb, I'm not as nice as they think I am.."  but then when people think I'm kind of mean I just think to myself "well that hurts, I'm not that mean..."

I really want to ask people if I'm a mean person. I don't know. I'm not usually mean out loud, like I think I said last time. Just, sometimes, people drive me crazy. I don't understand people. People don't understand me. How can people understand me, to be honest... I don't understand me. I'm so weird. I'm selective. I'm picky. I'm funny. I'm sarcastic.

You know what, I think a lot of people think I'm mean because I'm so sarcastic to them.  And I like to kid around, but in a mean way. I don't do it on purpose. I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I don't want to seem rude.  I have been thinking about this kind of stuff all since I've been awake, except not really because I've watched 2 movies since I've been awake, but between movies I thought of this stuff. 

Also, I don't get this "follow" thing on here, I guess I'm just REALLY bad at following directions, or I'm blind. 

That's about all. But one last thing, lol. It is March!!!! :) 24 days until My birthday, and I still don't know what's going on. Mkay. Now that's all.

I am a dick, but most of the time, I have sense enough to keep it in my head, and to myself. 

It's not that I truly dislike people... it's just that some people say some really dumb things that make me think differently about that person.  

But then some of the things people say end up making things other people said a long time ago make sense...

It makes me feel horrible to think this way, but only when the person is nice to me. If the person in question is a dick head to me, then I don't feel bad.

I put myself down a lot

It's really really sad how much I put myself down. And I didn't start typing this to talk about that topic, but I saw the title of the last thing I wrote, and that thought just came to my head. :(

I am way stressed about things, mostly school...and I'm not even IN school yet. My mom doesn't make things better either because she bothers me everyday about it.. Well she probably won't anymore, because I kind of blew up at her about it, through e-mail, at work.. we don't work in the same room, thank god! but after emailing her what I did, I just wanted to go home, and it was only NOON. I think the thing that will stress me out the most about school is paying for it...I filled out the FAFSA nice and early.. I knew I had to. I have to go to school! I have have have to leave West Allis, WI. There is a very little number of people I will miss when I'm gone, and a few of them don't even live in West Allis anyway. Even though I'm almost certain I can figure out legal ways to pay for my college education, it still really stresses me out.
My mom really really doesn't help, but I said that already.

One thing I am trying to work on this year though, it's pretty much my only resolution... Trusting people, and opening up. It's not going so well, for the most part.. Which is also adding to my stress level. Why? Because I have sooo much bottling up inside me! I have so much stuff to say to so many people but keep it to myself, either because it's really mean, or I'm afraid of what people will think of me, I'm worried people won't support what I have to say, or something. I'm scared for myself. I'm afraid of having another "dark" time in my life that I will look back on later in life, and be like "what the fuck was I thinking?" I simpley don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone already has someone, and I feel out of place! I feel awkward around pretty much everyone because it seems like nobody even really understands me..and when they think they do, they really really don't. I don't see how they can, I don't understand me. I only partly understand some things about me. I partly understand why I am afraid of letting someone of the opposite gender into my life. I'm afraid of love. But more so, I'm afraid of getting hurt. Emotionally and Physically.

Writing is not helping me feel better, I started remembering things that make me cry, and since I'm tired too that makes for more tears.

I don't feel like people are really giving me a fair chance, either. People seem to decided things about me without knowing me..but that's life, I guess.. Or at least that's what I'm told. It takes me a while to open up to most people...Unless they're like me. A lot of people are NOT like me...by the way.

I am pretty sure I need to go to sleep now. I get so side tracked, I shouldn't have even started writing this up..because I just sort of am ending it, even though I probably have more to say!