I put myself down a lot

It's really really sad how much I put myself down. And I didn't start typing this to talk about that topic, but I saw the title of the last thing I wrote, and that thought just came to my head. :(

I am way stressed about things, mostly school...and I'm not even IN school yet. My mom doesn't make things better either because she bothers me everyday about it.. Well she probably won't anymore, because I kind of blew up at her about it, through e-mail, at work.. we don't work in the same room, thank god! but after emailing her what I did, I just wanted to go home, and it was only NOON. I think the thing that will stress me out the most about school is paying for it...I filled out the FAFSA nice and early.. I knew I had to. I have to go to school! I have have have to leave West Allis, WI. There is a very little number of people I will miss when I'm gone, and a few of them don't even live in West Allis anyway. Even though I'm almost certain I can figure out legal ways to pay for my college education, it still really stresses me out.
My mom really really doesn't help, but I said that already.

One thing I am trying to work on this year though, it's pretty much my only resolution... Trusting people, and opening up. It's not going so well, for the most part.. Which is also adding to my stress level. Why? Because I have sooo much bottling up inside me! I have so much stuff to say to so many people but keep it to myself, either because it's really mean, or I'm afraid of what people will think of me, I'm worried people won't support what I have to say, or something. I'm scared for myself. I'm afraid of having another "dark" time in my life that I will look back on later in life, and be like "what the fuck was I thinking?" I simpley don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone already has someone, and I feel out of place! I feel awkward around pretty much everyone because it seems like nobody even really understands me..and when they think they do, they really really don't. I don't see how they can, I don't understand me. I only partly understand some things about me. I partly understand why I am afraid of letting someone of the opposite gender into my life. I'm afraid of love. But more so, I'm afraid of getting hurt. Emotionally and Physically.

Writing is not helping me feel better, I started remembering things that make me cry, and since I'm tired too that makes for more tears.

I don't feel like people are really giving me a fair chance, either. People seem to decided things about me without knowing me..but that's life, I guess.. Or at least that's what I'm told. It takes me a while to open up to most people...Unless they're like me. A lot of people are NOT like me...by the way.

I am pretty sure I need to go to sleep now. I get so side tracked, I shouldn't have even started writing this up..because I just sort of am ending it, even though I probably have more to say!